Maybe it's because I have seen so much of him lately.
Whatever. Anyway.
This was during a long nap today.
DREAM #4.

I think I was driving back from some place on my own, and I came to a toll, but I didn't have a dollar so I parked my car there and went inside whatever building was next to it. (It wasn't a regular toll; the tolls were like separate little...things...I dunno)
Anyway, I went inside and I don't know what kind of building it was, but he was there and I think we had dinner or something together...? I think there was also more making out somewhere, and then we were walking together for a while and I was like wondering the whole time if we were officially bf/gf or not. Then at one point, he was walking really far ahead of me and I was running to try to catch up with him, but he started running too. Then we were going past this gymnasium, and these 2 or 3 little kids came out and they had just been chasing each other, too. But the littlest one was about to throw up.
Then I realized I was about to throw up, and Michael stopped and I turned and got sick in a huge trash can.

After that, we went back outside to his mom's car, which is apparently what I drove. I think it was a Mercedes SUV?! I don't know why I was driving it, but whatever. The toll controller lady brought the car to us, and the back tire had been taken off because we weren't supposed to park there. And I freaked out, because wtf, it's his mom's car and it would cost a fortune to get it back or something.

Then I woke up.

Overdrawn at the bank.
Again.
But what's new.
I called my mom a couple weeks ago, and she helped me out, but still didn't get me out of the negative zone. I called my dad the next day or two days later, and he said he'd send a check the next day.
That was Thursday.
Should have gotten it by Friday, or maybe Saturday.
It's Monday, and I still don't have it.
And now, National City is so graciously taking $8 per day more out of my negative account.
Yeah, that will make it easier to get positive again.

I'm so grateful to have a job that gives me a whopping 4 hours per week. Sure, that'll be enough to buy groceries...and pay bills...oh, and pay my rent every month.
The rent that comes out of my account.

I guess I should be grateful that I still have school. More expenses that I and my parents can't afford.

Right, and I can't forget to mention our wonderfully nonexistent internet that keeps disconnecting. It's definitely going to help me get my Chinese essay done before I have to work at 2 and until 6.

Isn't life grand?

I had another dream about Michael last night.
My family was moving houses, I think? I'm not sure. But Michael was there, and the main thing I remember was that he kissed me on my cheek and it was the happiest but also the most miserable moment of my life because, in the dream, I wanted more than that.
So.
I guess I still kinda like him? Maybe?

I wasn't sure that studying more would be so easy.
But I have lots to do.
Plus working at AE.
So I'll be on the internet less.
Like way less.
Like even less than before.
(This isn't a poem, by the way.)
Goodbye, Cyberworld.
Hello Real Life.

 My mom, my sister, and I went to see Nine tonight. It was pretty good! All the women were absolutely marvelous and stunning. Nicole Kidman is still one of my favorites, and I was surprised by Kate Hudson's singing and dancing. Judi Dench was timeless and amazing :)
It's these kinds of movies, with the glamorous women and great costumes, that make me want to be an actress or a dancer. I want to be magnificent and graceful like Nicole Kidman. I want to be enticing and irresistible like Penelope Cruz. I want to be sexy and chic like Kate Hudson. So I keep asking myself, what's holding me back from becoming the way I want to be? ...No, there shouldn't even be a question mark. It's a rhetorical question.
Why can't I find it in myself to actually accomplish this one simple thing. Why, after complaining that I'm not as in shape as I want to be, can't I buck up and exercise and eat right like I always say I will. So many women have done it; they've accomplished what I've wanted to, and with more difficulty, and now they're happy.
I'm still not happy. And I don't care what other people think, even guys, because it doesn't matter to me. I'm still unsatisfied with myself, even with my attitude.
Maybe it's not a big deal to other people. I mean, I know I'm not obese, but I'm not very slender. Maybe I look at it differently than everybody else; because what I've always felt is that when I'm sitting down, or hanging out with people, bulging is always something I worry about. Always. Just being around other people, and wondering if there's the chance for some kind of physical contact, I don't want to have to think, Oh God, I hope this person doesn't touch my side because it's so fatty and there's a roll there. It's like if I change my body, it will just make life that much simpler. I don't really know how to explain it, this constant little fear, but I know that if I lose weight and reduce my body fat, it's something I don't have to think about, ever, because I would know my body feels and looks good.
Maybe I'm overthinking all of this, but whatever. I don't care. And the worst part is that I feel like I get my greatest motivation at all the wrong times.

 Happy New Year, everyone :D I went to a party with Katie last night and we had a great time! I called some people after midnight, including both Felix and Michael, but Michael and I talked for a while and he called me back just a little while ago and used up all my minutes, haha.

I just discovered how to use the Friend Filters on LJ, so now I can actually find all your posts and your entries won't be lonely anymore :3 Isn't that great?!

Also, my computer has been crashing for the past 3 days; what I mean is, Windows won't start up correctly. It's really pissing me off, and I've tried everything. I've done like 4 system restorations, and when I run startup recovery, it says it can't even find a problem which is pure bullshit. So I'm using it in Safe Mode right now, which you're not even supposed to do, but it's the only way I can use internets...and I can't live without internets.

I have a measly 3 hours at work next week, so that kind of sucks. But I can enjoy the rest of my break I guess :D

I gotta feeling...that this year's gonna be a good year...

INTRODUCING: 2010 tag!

 OMG, Merry Christmas, guys!!!! :D

I don't know why I'm updating now, but I guess it's because I couldn't sleep and have been awake for almost an hour already. I have no idea when my mom and sister will wake up, so I'm just hanging out because I was starving and couldn't get back to sleep. Arg.

Anyway! I can't believe it's already here. Only 6 days left in 2009 now, and that means we're getting into the 20-double digits! I'm still slightly torn between consistently saying "two thousand ten" or "twenty ten." Hmm.

I guess I'd like to take some time (since I have the time now) to reflect on the past year. Where should we start?

( Year in Review )

YAAAY, Mom is up...I can't wait to open presents!!!!!!! :D

First night of work was awesome!! I started at 7 and didn't leave until midnight, but it was so worth it. At first, I was kind of nervous that I'd suck at everything or it would be too weird...but I got used to it all pretty quickly. They stationed me in the front and I was pretty much just greeting customers and folding/sizing all the clothes that were out of place.
Right at the beginning, there was a couple near me looking at flannels and I was folding jeans. I said hi to them, then mentioned the promotion and I was like, "Oh, by the way, flannels are marked down to $24.95 and guys' flannels are $29.95," and then over my headset, my training manager was like, "Good job, Gretchen!" :D It was fantastic. I did everything they asked me too, plus a lot of stuff they didn't ask me to do (in a good way), and I did it all quickly and efficiently without complaining. I "folded down" the table of sweaters and Amber, the general manager, was like, "That looks really good!" Then she had me do an entire new table setup by myself! (So if any of you go to AE and see the table of all the fleece zipper hoodies, I DID THAT ^__^ )

Besides all of that, a couple days ago I registered for this website called RenRen, and it's literally a Chinese Facebook (because Facebook is banned in China T_T) At first I had very few friends, and now I already have like 24!!

Anyway, today was great and I'm in a good mood and tomorrow morning, I'm going to get up bright and early and drive home!

Nonono, I haven't told that guy anything yet. I'm considering it, though. Just so I can take the rejection and I won't be in the dark anymore -_-

lol Anyway, I got the job at American Eagle :D I had orientation yesterday morning and I think I'm going to get along really, really well with the people there. The managers are great, and the other new hire that was with me seems really cool with a similar personality to mine :)
I'm not starting until next week, though. And I'm already anxious to get my schedule on Thursday :D heheheheh.

We had a "Flagship reunion" at Sushi Bar on Friday for karaoke. Not everyone was able to come, but it was a lot of fun! The whole time, Anna and I were staring at all the Korean guys outside our room :3 we were like 'Screw karaoke, let's go out there!' lol. But we didn't, because we're both really shy .__. And I was hoping the guy I like was going to come, but he didn't, so poop on him :P lol.

Saturday I went grocery shopping and then we had an AAA exec board bonding night at Nick and Jake's. It was crazy and fun, just as I expected!

Today I went to AE to buy some clothes, because I need clothes to be able to wear for work. I'm going to have to start dressing stylish :O just like I've always wanted to! Except now I have a real reason other than my own satisfaction.

Thanksgiving is next week :D I can't wait to get out of here!
...At least until Friday morning. When I have to come back and work...

This past weekend was just perfect!

On Friday, I filled up my car with gas and drove back home. I was supposed to hang out with Ben King, but he ended up having to work, so I hung out at home and relaxed, then drove downtown and picked up Emily Nicely, then we went and had dinner with Tohru. We talked for hooouuuuurrrrrss about lots of crazy stuff and all the things that have happened over the past few months. They told me their anniversary stories (Emmy celebrated 2 years with Andrew, and Tohru celebrated 1 year with Sav) and I told them my dumb little stories about encounters with the boy I like, which don't even compare. Hahah.
After that, I finally went home around 1 or 1:30 and my mom and I sat and talked until 3.

The next morning, we all woke up early and cleaned up the house, then my sister went out for lunch with my dad, Laurie, and the girls. Mom and I got cleaned up and we went to Perfect Pinkie for pedicures! It was my sister's idea, and a GRAND idea it was :) Except the guy who did my feet sort of looked like Mr. Burns, so it kind of freaked me out. After that, Sara and I waddled next door to the new sandwich/bubble tea place, but they were out of bubbles, so we had tea with jellies and it was too weird to drink. I probably only finished half of mine :|

Once we got back, Sara went "shopping" with Paul and Mom and I began preparing everything for the festivities. It was a luau theme, so we had a bright tablecloth with hibiscus, some tiki garland thing, a fishnet that we threw over the TV (although I said we should throw it over Sara when she walked in, but we didn't -_- ), and we had leis to pass out to everyone. I took control of that, so that I could ask everyone if they wanted to get lei'd :D
After Sara arrived, it was just a bunch of mingling and reminiscing with people, but it was a great time! I ate too much food, but it was so hard NOT to eat because we had ribs from Texas Roadhouse (which came with delicious rolls and cinnamon butter), chicken wings, chips with cheesy meat dip, pasta salad, pumpkin bread, fruit, veggies, butterscotch rice krispie treats, and then birthday cake later. I thought I was going to throw up T_T
Most people left around 10 or 11, but Paul and one of Sara's best friends Kayla stayed and hung out. It was really fun, but I was also the youngest one there and felt sort of out of place, so around or after 12, I decided to call someone and we talked for over an hour and a half and it made my heart very happy :3

Yesterday was pretty relaxing, but I also studied a bit for the accounting exam I have tonight. I think I'll do decently, but sometimes it takes me a while to figure out the problems, then when I do, I realize I was just missing some stupid mathematical step or something.
But I just got back from College Mall a little while ago, and I applied to American Eagle and Victoria's Secret (they were the only 2 places I saw with Now Hiring! signs that weren't just for management). I already landed an interview at AE for tomorrow at 4:30, and I think I have a much better chance of getting hired on there than at VS because I'm just not glamorous enough for VS. Oh well, I think I'd like working there better anyway :)

I miss my mom and dad.
Maybe mostly my mom, I guess, but...I just want to go home.
Yes, I feel like a little kid right now. I was just thinking about being home, and everything has been so screwed up and frustrating here and I just miss the times when everything was okay. I haven't missed home this much...ever. I think. And it's not like I haven't been home at all this semester, but I especially miss it now. I'm not sure why.
Maybe I feel lonely or something, I don't know.

I think what I need most right now, even moreso than money...
...is hugs.
Lots and lots of hugs.

The one that would help the most is from a certain boy, but I'm not sure he's the huggy type. I just really really really wanna hug him tight.


EDIT: I just remembered that scene from Meteor Garden--Shancai has some confrontation with Dau Mingzi, and when Hua Zilei comes to find her, he's like, "It's okay, you can cry if you want." She just smiles and says, "I'm fine...but could you turn around?"
So he turns around, and she leans on his back and just cries.
I guess I kind of feel like that ._.

 It's gorgeous outside! Ahh, I've missed days like this :3

Anyway, I've been really really lazy lately, with everything. Hence why I haven't updated much. I've just been kind of feeling apathetic and I don't know why. It's especially bad because I need to study harder and get my GPA up. It's not that I've been particularly busy, just...yeah. Lazy. XD
I'm also too lazy to carry my laptop back and forth from my room to the living room. And I used to sit on the floor too much. Anyway, I hope Emily doesn't think I don't want to be around her or anything; it really is just that it's too much effort.

I've taken a nap like every day this week. Maybe still some underlying effects of the car accident? I have no specific reason to feel so tired...maybe I'm just becoming exhausted since we haven't had any breaks in school yet. Emily and I talked about this yesterday--IU is like the only university who didn't cancel classes on Labor Day or have a "fall break" before our actual Thanksgiving break. Ugh.

My throat's been sore since yesterday morning, and I really hope I'm not getting sick again. I want it to go away soon. :D

I'm going to the Asian Halloween party on Saturday and hopefully it will be even more fun than last year!! I decided I'm going as a lady gangster; my outfit consists of black fishnet tights, black shorts, my pinstripe blazer, and a black fedora to top it off. So people SHOULD have an idea as to what my costume is this year, lol.
Hopefully people will take pictures, 'cause my camera still doesn't have batteries~~

I started watching the Taiwanese drama Black & White with Vic Zhou (aka Zai Zai) and I like it. It looks fun. I'm going to try to start watching dramas again...if I get my homework in line first =/

 The weeks go by so quickly now. . .

It makes me like this
<---

 <-- That's Leejoon from MBLAQ, by the way. The other hot one in the group :3 lol. I'll use my new Cheolyong userpic next time!

Yesterday was really fun. I went to see "Da Wan" at Chinese showtime and saw Michael on the way, so we walked there together. The movie was pretty good; but I hadn't heard of it before and I didn't know any American actors were in it, but Donald Sutherland played the main guy! After that was over, I went to the library for a little bit to hang out, then went to CCC and had fun with Flagship people and Michael, who went for the first time. After that, I came home and Emily and I hung out and ordered some Chinese food, which arrived just before Becka did!

So after Becka got here, we ate and talked, then started watching movies. I told her to bring scary movies, because it's Halloween time and I want to watch scary movies. (I also want to watch Hocus Pocus!!) The first thing we watched was a Korean movie called "The Host," and it's about this mutant monster thing that grows in Han River and starts attacking people. It was kind of ridiculous, and we weren't sure whether or not it was supposed to be taken seriously because there was so much ridiculousness. But it was good and we made lots of jokes, haha. (Oh yeah, and Jake joined us, too, so the 4 of us were crammed on our couch.) Anyway, then after that we watched "An American Haunting," and that was actually pretty freaky. I was afraid to walk to the bathroom in the dark XD Then after that, we watched another Korean movie, "Slave Love," or something like that. Emily and Becka had both seen it before, but Jake and I hadn't, and it was a lot of fun. Ha Jiwon is so cute in that ^^ and the guy was really cute, too.
So we watched movies until like 4 in the morning, then we heard some noise outside and saw Becka's car being towed from our parking lot because technically we're not allowed to have her park there -__-;; And even collectively, the 4 of us didn't have enough cash to pay the guys off and let Becka move her car, so Becca picked her up this morning and they went to get it.
And after all that nonsense, we finally went to bed around 5 or 5:30, all 3 of us laying in my bed :3 it was so cozy!

I love sleeping with girls. lolllllll

Later today, I'm going to see a b-boy competition at the IMU Starbucks, then there's an after-party. Whee!

I'm at the library using one of the beautiful, gigantic Macs that is only supposed to be used for multimedia work, and I feel so awkward looking at my friends page and taking "Who is your destined DBSK?" quizzes because anyone can just walk by and see this screen and they probably think that either a) I should at least be doing something productive, like homework, whether or not it's multimedia-related, or b) I must be really strange.
Either way, it's just weird XD

This week has been going pretty well I guess; I've spent lots of time working on establishing the IU Chinese Culture Club with Michael, and it's a lot more work than I would have thought. Today we spent about an hour at Goodbody talking to our Chinese teachers so that one of them could become our advisor. It was kind of troublesome, but at least we got it done and had some fun while doing it (ex. we talked about our majors and our plans for the future, in Chinese, and lots of jokes were made XD).

Lots of stuff is going on for the rest of the week and this weekend, including Becka coming to visit :DDDD, CCC, and bboy-ing on Saturday with an after-party afterwards (lol, repetitive).

I'm sure there are a lot of other things I want to add, but class starts in about 15 minutes and I can't think too clearly right now. And the other stuff is stuff I want to put in a friends-only post, so I'll do that later :)

OH, I remembered something else: if you didn't see the pictures I posted on my Facebook wall, go look, because I think I'm in love with Bang Cheolyong <3

Today is my grandpa Krumwiede's birthday :)

I remember one day back in September, I was walking home from class and I saw people taking wedding pictures. Then I thought, 'I always wanted an autumn wedding, but not late summer/early autumn.' I mean, like, real autumn.
And that's when I decided.
I think I want to get married on October 12.
Not only because it's my grandfather's birthday, but it is in the fall, and in October, which I think is my favorite month. And the number 12 holds a lot of meaning for me, since my birthday is 12/12, and my lucky number is 6, and 6 x 2 = 12. :D

Today, I stumbled across a new artist, and now I'm completely in love with his music :D
He's Khalil Fong, Hawaii-born Chinese, but he sings in English, Chinese, and Spanish :O He's awesome! Here's a song (in English) from his most recent album:

His new album has a lot of covers on it, including "You Are the Sunshine of My Life," (original by Stevie Wonder) "Bad," (original by Michael Jackson; this version is SO awesome :D), and "Georgia On My Mind" (original by Ray Charles Hoagy Charmichael). Of course, they don't have the exact same classic sound, but that's also part of why they're great to hear. I really love his style because it's sort of jazzy and slow without putting me to sleep, and I guess it would be considered more R&B than pop.
Unfortunately, I don't know how to pimp and stuff, so if you guys want to hear the other songs, just let me know and I can send you the .zip XD

K, I gotsta do some homeworks.

I have the best roommate ever. <3
I have the best parents ever. <33

Last week was sort of rough and, being a certain time, I was extra-emotional. There was a lot of crying. But the weekend was nice and relaxing, and this week has had a much better start :) Emily went grocery shopping, and both of my parents have contributed to my personal financial crisis, and I applied to places at the IMU yesterday, so I'm back on my feet, as it were. The only thing bothering me now is something that isn't even a big deal because there is no drama. Just many thoughts floating around my head.

Lol, Emily just walked in--I'm waiting to start dinner because it's going to be the first time that I make burgers :D And I'm really craving red meat right now!!!

I have an AAA exec board meeting at 8, then Friday there's dinner and a movie, but I might just go to the dinner...which means foregoing CCC again...and also some of the money that I've just received -_- Maybe I'll just stick with CCC since that's free. Haha.

Kbye :)

Tomorrow is a new month.

:)

LOL. I find it hilarious that there are girls still wearing long, gauzy blouses and leggings with sandals and they stand outside, whining "Omigawwwwwdd, it's sooooo cooooollddd...."
THEN PUT ON SOME REAL FUCKING CLOTHES.

In other frustrating news, I really really hate the way my econ professor speaks. Not only does his voice sound like Kermit, but he always says "reconize," instead of the correct recoGnize.
WHY can't a middle-aged white man say it right?! ><;;
The man is just...so...monotonous. Extremely boring. I've taken boring classes before, but at least I could stand listening to what the teacher was saying. When I'm in econ, it is just SO easy to tune him out completely.

But! Chinese class was fun. We talked about Moon Festival, played hangman, and then had board races! Our written exam is on Thursday, and the oral exam is on Friday.
Oh yeah, last night Michael and I used Skype to run through our script. Except we only ran through it once, then talked for like another thirty minutes--very unproductive. Well, as far as Chinese goes ^^
When I first called him and the video came on, I saw that he was wearing one of those headsets that has a mic on it and he was like, "Oh God, I look like a gamer."
Me: "But it's okay, because you're--oh nevermind, I won't say it..."
Michael: "What?"
Me: "No, nothing~"
Michael: "Why, because I'm ASIAN?!"
lol, so cute :3 But hopefully we can work on it again tonight and actually write some more. Ughhhh~

My allergies/cold/whatever condition is already improving, mostly because it's moved into my chest. Which...is usually worse, but...at least I can breathe now :D

Ever since I met Michael at the library last weekend and saw his Red Hot Chili Peppers shirt, I've had the urge to listen to them a lot lately. So I put all their music on my iPod and I'm going through all the songs XD It also makes me miss Flagship a lot more because we used to sing "Otherside" at karaoke all the time!! :(

Tomorrow night I might go to an AAA bowling event, then Friday I have an AAA exec board meeting, followed by CCC, then maybe badminton (depending on who shows up or doesn't show up to CCC ;D ). Saturday is the Moon Festival, so I have to be at Dunn Meadow by 1:30 to start setting up decorations. AAHHH, busy week.